Reminded this is never easy.

Today has been a really hard day for me. Actually, this whole week has been luggish, sad, and hard. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. But I know that I *can't*. I physically can not go back to where I was. There is no way I will allow myself to do that. That would be too easy.

At times I feel like I am the ultimate failure and I won't succeed at anything. I feel like things are too hard sometimes and I can't handle the pressure. It's not a matter of wanting it anymore. I knowI want it, but I just don't know how bad.

I was looking in the mirror yesterday and I was pretty disgusted with what I saw. Although I've lost 85 pounds, I don't feel it or see it. I feel like I've gone nowhere. Now, I know that's not true. And I know that for someone who hasn't lost a substantial amount of weight they won't understand. I saw my first "shrinkles" either yesterday or the day before. I was disgusted. When I'm at goal, I'm going to have my excess fat gone...but I'm afraid I'm still not going to consider myself "beautiful". I don't want to give up on getting to goal just because I am afraid of some excess skin. But it's terrifying me. It never bothered me before, and I never thought it would. And it's not even like I have a lot now...it's just a little bit under my arms.

I'm falling back into old, destructive habits and I need to eliminate those as soon as possible. I've been thinking that chocolate will make a "good snack". Or pizza is a "fine dinner". Uhh...that is what got me to be 85 pounds heavier than I am now.

I find myself eating a LOT of food when I am not hungry. I'm eating mindlessly, constantly looking for food to eat when I don't need it. I'm looking for snacks in between meals. I haven't been getting my water in like I'm supposed to. And I've been slacking off in the gym.

Somewhere along the lines I've lost the drive that I once had. I don't know why, but I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep all day. Maybe I'm depressed, who knows.

But I need to treat my body better than I have been. It's unacceptable.

Part of me thinks that the reason I've been feeling so down is because I've fallen away from God. He used to be such a crucial part of my life and I centered my whole world around Him. Now...not so much. I don't go to Christian Challenge anymore - which I used to go every Thursday. I used to go to bible studies and church on Sunday. I then stopped going to church because I didn't like some things about it. But that's besides the point. There are dozens of other churches I could belong to in this town...so why don't I go? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm afraid of being totally accepted and loved by God because I am so imperfect and I usually always fail and fail and fail.

I'm just in this weird mental place and I've been here for a while. I'm at a "fork in the road" to be cliché and I honestly don't know where to turn. If I go back to my "old life" then I would go the EASY way. I decided a long time ago that the easy would not suffice and what got me to my heaviest weight.

"The easy way" is not doing anything about it. The "easy way" is being fat and staying there and being CONTENT with it. I was content with being morbidly obese for YEARS. I can't take that anymore.

I went to the gym two days ago...and I was about to give up. I was on the elliptical...and was barely even sweating. I told myself initially that I wanted to burn 600 calories...and then I would be done. Normally that would require me to be on the elliptical for about 60 minutes. When I got to 230 I thought that was "good enough". And then I said...no...I need to get to 2 miles...and then I thought NO...I need to get to "_ _ _" calories. And then I kept on going. I was seriously about to get off the elliptical when this guy got on a treadmill right ahead of me and his shirt said "TOMORROW WILL NOT BE ANY EASIER". I *loved* this quote. It inspired me to stay on the elliptical until I was done with my 60 minutes. In that time frame, (actually 65 min. with cool down) I burned 723 calories and went 4.52 miles - which is the longest I've ever gone doing any kind of exercise in the gym. His shirt meant a lot to me. Because if I was to quit today...and say "Oh, I can make it up tomorrow" that essentially would not make today count. Because...who's to say that I won't say the *same* thing tomorrow? And the next day? And it is a viscous cycle of dread and torture. I'm sick of ruining my body.

I just don't know how to get myself out of this funk. Unless I have some outside source of motivation I can't get myself to do anything. I don't want to live or thrive off of other people's success. I just can't do it anymore. I am wondering though, why this is so hard. Why can't this be easier? Why can't this be as easy as getting fat?